When are you due?
I don't believe in due dates. I don't know if you've heard, but I do what I want, and I expect the same of this child. However, according to average human gestation, this kid will show up mid-February.
How far along does that make you?
I also don't agree with how people count that in standard medicine. But the short answer is half way.
Do you look pregnant? (via text) or You do/don't look pregnant! (in person)
I still look like me, yes. However: this is really only true because I'm not one of those people who has had the same shape body all her life. People are used to my body at all different shapes and sizes, because it has been all different shapes and sizes. Do I think I look pregnant? No. I think I look like my rib cage is getting bigger (which is totally creepy and makes all bras hard to wear), and I also get a distended-starving-African-orphan belly every time I eat so much as a Tic-Tac, so when you think I look pregnant, it's because I ate a burrito.
Can I touch your baby bump? (from a stranger or that awkward cousin or my father-in-law)
Well, the place where you're awkwardly already touching me is not a baby, it's my organs moving upward so that my uterus has a place to go while it gets big enough to keep more person in. So no, please stop.
Can I touch your baby bump? (from a friend)
Number one, never call it that again, I hate the connotations of that phrase (and you know that if anyone can get offended by common usage of language, it's this girl). Number two, you're pretty much asking to touch just north of my crotch at this point, which is where you can actually feel the most uterus. Also, you're asking to touch uterus, not baby, because baby still has plenty of room in there, and isn't feel-able from the outside yet. If you are comfortable with almost-crotch/uterus touching, please do, I am happy to teach you science. I will point out the exciting parts (like the fundus!). If that totally weirds you out, never ask a pregnant lady that again, because that's what you're asking.
Did your boobs get bigger?
Yes. They're ridiculous. I'm currently spilling out all the sides of an extra large sports bra. It's obnoxious. In addition to getting bigger, they've gotten denser and SO much heavier, which makes me feel like I now know what it's like to have implants (also, if this is what implants feel like, don't get them, because it feels awful).
Where are you having your baby?
Not in a hospital.
Is that safe?
Safer than having it at a hospital. For real. Longitudinal data to prove it.
Won't that be gross?
You're gross. And no.
Who's delivering your baby?
Well, I'm getting it out of me. The baby and gravity are assisting. Jack is going to keep it from falling on the floor, and a very nice midwife and her two apprentices are going to supervise all the excitement.
Is it a boy or a girl?
Wouldn't you like to know. So would my husband. No dice. Not finding out.
Do you think it's a boy or a girl?I think it's a fetus.
Do you want it to be a boy or a girl?
I'd really like for it to be a baby, but a unicorn would also do.
Show me a picture of it!
I'm also not having any ultrasounds, unless severe complications arise. That's also something I'll go into later. But, until then, you should probably know that this is what I assume my child looks like, so you should too:
How are you feeling?
Better. Shit was not good for the first four months. Multiple-daily-vomits level not goodness. And I can definitively state that mono is less exhausting that early pregnancy. But things are getting better, I'm keeping a lot more food down, and I am a human level of awake at this point, but I'd never turn down a nap (however, this is not something unique to pregnancy).
Have you gotten (long list of horrifying pregnancy symptoms)?
Yes: dizziness, headaches, the pukes, acne, HEARTBURN (I will write a whole post about FUCKING heartburn), emotional disaster, bleeding gums, chronic vivid dreams (weird ones, and yes, you're in them).
No: constipation, hemorrhoids, swelling anything, beautiful hair (yes, that's a real symptom, but no, I'm not that lucky).
Are you getting fat? (Yes, real people have really said this to me.)
Yes. But I'm supposed to. I lost about 12 lbs at first, gained some back, lost some more, and now I'm a couple pounds under where I started. However, baby is growing measurably, so if anyone's a fatty, it's the fetus, not this girl.
Have you felt it move yet?
Yes. It's weird and distracting, but also nice. It's really hard to describe what it feels like, and because you can't describe what it feels like, it's hard to figure out what you're feeling at first. But once you use deductive reasoning on what might also be weird gas, it's pretty fun.
Have you had any weird cravings?
Yes. Every time I am hungry, it feels weird, because I've just spent months of my life puking. I have had a couple cravings, but worse than cravings have been my food aversions, which are to basically everything. If I'm hungry for something, I have to eat it right then and there, because in 20 minutes, it will sound absolutely terrible and just thinking about it will make me vomit (for real). It makes me a fucking nightmare to grocery shop for. So far today, things that have sounded good have been hash browns, enchiladas, and concord grape juice (concord grape juice is patently disgusting, so I have no idea why I drank some, or why it tasted good.). Things I have barfed up: a protein bar (yes, still barfin', but only like three times a week now, not three times an hour, so I call it a win).
Are you going to try to breastfeed? [Yes, all but one person who has asked this has said "TRY". And most people ask.]
I'm not going to try to breastfeed, I AM going to breastfeed.
Are you taking maternity leave?No, I was planning on squeezing it out in the middle of Whole Foods and going right back to stocking hand soap and fish oil...
Yes I am. 10 weeks. Because of my great employer, 9 of those will be paid (I have to take 7 days unpaid somewhere in there as a formality because of short-term disability insurance). Yes, I know FMLA gives me 12 weeks; as a precaution, I'm not taking all of them -- if something happens to the kid in the rolling 12-month period, I'd like to have those two weeks as a just in case.
What are you doing with the baby after those 10 weeks?
It'll be fine on its own, right? It's done after that, right? Also, I have no idea, and I have a long ass time to figure that out, so stop bothering me about it, Mom.
Can I buy your baby presents?
Yes. My baby needs a king-sized bed, a washer and dryer, and new DSLR. It would also not be mad about a car made after the year 2000.
Is it Jack's?
I sure hope so, because the long con to get a baby with adorable curls will be wasted if it's not.
[Please A some more Qs! I will answer anything.]
